Commitment

The dates of my posts, are not those of "every day," but the posts were actually written on the mornings of each day. Today is October 5th and will likely match the date of what I wrote yesterday. I mention this because, though I'm under the impression I'm writing for myself, I imagine someone else coming along and faulting me on my resolve to post daily.

I stopped for a while after that last sentence--I had confronted myself with the evidence of a crime (I've been reading courtroom fiction lately) and was nonplussed (a word I've never used before but it seems right), not because I was guilty--the times are when I "saved" and not when I wrote--but because of the feeling that I need to explain persisted despite any external accuser.

The actual crime (Freud said feelings of guilt were always about an actual crime which was not necessarily the same as what you believed yourself guilty of) is my expectation of imminent failure. It's a future crime in which I stop writing. I expect this to occur because I'm not really committed. I'm playing at commitment. I'm going through the motions, like a non-thankful person being polite.

I don't really believe in commitment and my disbelief feels like self-acceptance.

Or maybe it's that commitment for which there's no real penalty for breaking is not a real commitment.

Or it's that the penalty for breaking a commitment needs to be more than the breaking itself.

Is that the difference between a commitment and a resolve?