It began with Adam.

Well, I said in the previous post that I didn't start a blog for years but it's not exactly true. I started one several times. What I didn't do was post in them. I started because there were things I wanted to say but when the time came to say them, I suddenly forgot what they were. Or I didn't know how to go about saying them. Or both at once in that I'd try but the harder I tried the less of a grasp I had on my ideas. I began to think that the feeling of having something to say was a delusion--a feeling with no substance behind it. But that might be just another delusion--a counter-feeling with even less substance.

So what changed? I mean, something did because here I am blogging. Yeah, I know it;s not really different at this point. Here I am starting again like before. This may be the last post you see.

But here's the dif. I read something that gave me a new perspective. OK, not so new, but this time I believed it. It was in this interview with Adam Phillips.

. . . a feeling that I really wanted to do something and had a lot to say and I was a blank. It was as though there was nothing inside me, so I could no more write a sentence than I could stand on my head. It was absolutely impossible. No amount of willpower, no amount of resolution, determination, conversation with my friends made it happen. But it was as though, at a certain point, something literally got me to the typewriter, and I started typing.

You can read this as saying there's nothing to do about the blankness so don't even try, but I read this as a reminder to have faith.